I wont.

Let go.
No.



The only thing you ever asked of me, is that I smiled.
We'd be sitting at the kitchen table, you with your arms crossed resting on the table, exchanging awkward conversation. I'd avoid eye contact and stare at the colossal painting near your head and hope not to offend you.
It was a tough spot in my life, we both knew that. I came dressed head to toe in black, slouched over in the chair, occasionally smiling at Indigo as she shyly went about business - carrying around her little dolls and sitting on the couch next to mummy.
I'd feel your eyes fix on to the side of my face, that gradually turned red from holding in nervous laughter. You'd start to laugh and say
"N'aww Wallea, smile!"
That's all you'd ever ask, that I'd smile, and be happy.

I didn't go to your wedding, December 2nd, was it?
I'm so sorry I didn't come.
I was hurt that I didn't get a proper invite, it was Janice's name next to dads... not mine. But I know you wouldn't have done it on purpose, I just didn't want her to take over that aspect of my life, too. I was friends with you first, why does she get an invite?
I'll never forgive myself for that.
We hit a bird that day, right in the middle of me talking about you.
I should've seen it coming.


I remember the last day I saw you.
You had changed so much.
I didn't want to hug you good bye, because I was afraid it'd be too final then.

I wish I did hug you.
I wish I could tell you thank you, for everything.
Thank you for almost getting me in to meet Frank Woodley, thank you for getting me his signature. Thank you for being the only person there when I represented my primary school playing the recorder. Thank you for standing by and being a great friend to my father. Thank you for being so accepting of me, of who I am. Thank you for believing in me, even if I refused to smile some times. Thank you for being you, for bringing your two amazing children into the world, for loving Kirsty. Thank you for making me smile all those times, for I am sure I have lost them since.

They told me you were better, they told me it was gone.
Then they said two weeks, a few weeks before my birthday.
They said you'd still be there.
I delayed my plane trip back, in the belief you'd still be around for school holidays.

But you weren't.
And I never got to see you again.

Memories,

I remember the first time we spoke:

It was one of the first days back in year nine, we were in our awesome summer uniforms - though I don't see how yours differed from the winter. It was geography, with that annoying South African teacher who always said my name in a really wrong way.
She had moved you next to me because I was a loner, and you needed straightening out. So, of course, I would influence you to be like me... A loner who didn't say much. Hah.
I remembered you from the previous year, when we both went to Bunbury High. You weren't mean to me back then, so I guessed I could tolerate you in my space.
You were talking about how many hot girls there were at Bunbury High, and how Lutheran seriously lacked them. All the while my small pile of self confidence was becoming smaller and smaller... One of the first things you ever said to me was 'Maybe if you grew your hair out, you'd have a better chance at getting a boyfriend' you'd pause and look around 'one that's not Fraser Lawrie'.
So that's my first memory of you, a rather painful one, if I recall correctly.

I couldn't help it, though. Talking to you that is. You always made me smile, and though you sometimes hurt my feelings, I knew it wasn't on purpose.
Even when it was really uncool to be associated with me, you'd always start of the day (and every lesson) with a huge 'WALLLEAAAAAAAA' a long hug would normally follow.
We talked about everything, I really didn't think you'd ever have it in you to pass on any of my secrets. And you didn't, which is good.
Do you still want to be in the Air Force?

I don't think you ever noticed that I liked you, or maybe you did. Maybe you knew all along and decided not to bring it up - so our friendship wouldn't be ruined.

I remember when I started going out with Dwight... I told you one day during Science. You looked rather shocked, and I liked it. But I only thought it was because you thought I couldn't get anyone.

We sort of drifted then, for a little while. Because of our 'no secrets' friendship it was kind of awkward when you asked about my love life. Hah.

I've blocked a lot of things out, so I can't really continue this trip down memory lane. But I just wanted you to know that it was good seeing you the other week, to know that you're happily in love and all.

Though it still hurts, I'm happy for you.

I was only ever the girl who you refused to pay compliments to, and I guess I'll learn to deal with that.

So yeah, there it is.
I liked you all along.
Joyous, yes?


Awkwardddd.