I wont.

Let go.
No.



The only thing you ever asked of me, is that I smiled.
We'd be sitting at the kitchen table, you with your arms crossed resting on the table, exchanging awkward conversation. I'd avoid eye contact and stare at the colossal painting near your head and hope not to offend you.
It was a tough spot in my life, we both knew that. I came dressed head to toe in black, slouched over in the chair, occasionally smiling at Indigo as she shyly went about business - carrying around her little dolls and sitting on the couch next to mummy.
I'd feel your eyes fix on to the side of my face, that gradually turned red from holding in nervous laughter. You'd start to laugh and say
"N'aww Wallea, smile!"
That's all you'd ever ask, that I'd smile, and be happy.

I didn't go to your wedding, December 2nd, was it?
I'm so sorry I didn't come.
I was hurt that I didn't get a proper invite, it was Janice's name next to dads... not mine. But I know you wouldn't have done it on purpose, I just didn't want her to take over that aspect of my life, too. I was friends with you first, why does she get an invite?
I'll never forgive myself for that.
We hit a bird that day, right in the middle of me talking about you.
I should've seen it coming.


I remember the last day I saw you.
You had changed so much.
I didn't want to hug you good bye, because I was afraid it'd be too final then.

I wish I did hug you.
I wish I could tell you thank you, for everything.
Thank you for almost getting me in to meet Frank Woodley, thank you for getting me his signature. Thank you for being the only person there when I represented my primary school playing the recorder. Thank you for standing by and being a great friend to my father. Thank you for being so accepting of me, of who I am. Thank you for believing in me, even if I refused to smile some times. Thank you for being you, for bringing your two amazing children into the world, for loving Kirsty. Thank you for making me smile all those times, for I am sure I have lost them since.

They told me you were better, they told me it was gone.
Then they said two weeks, a few weeks before my birthday.
They said you'd still be there.
I delayed my plane trip back, in the belief you'd still be around for school holidays.

But you weren't.
And I never got to see you again.

Memories,

I remember the first time we spoke:

It was one of the first days back in year nine, we were in our awesome summer uniforms - though I don't see how yours differed from the winter. It was geography, with that annoying South African teacher who always said my name in a really wrong way.
She had moved you next to me because I was a loner, and you needed straightening out. So, of course, I would influence you to be like me... A loner who didn't say much. Hah.
I remembered you from the previous year, when we both went to Bunbury High. You weren't mean to me back then, so I guessed I could tolerate you in my space.
You were talking about how many hot girls there were at Bunbury High, and how Lutheran seriously lacked them. All the while my small pile of self confidence was becoming smaller and smaller... One of the first things you ever said to me was 'Maybe if you grew your hair out, you'd have a better chance at getting a boyfriend' you'd pause and look around 'one that's not Fraser Lawrie'.
So that's my first memory of you, a rather painful one, if I recall correctly.

I couldn't help it, though. Talking to you that is. You always made me smile, and though you sometimes hurt my feelings, I knew it wasn't on purpose.
Even when it was really uncool to be associated with me, you'd always start of the day (and every lesson) with a huge 'WALLLEAAAAAAAA' a long hug would normally follow.
We talked about everything, I really didn't think you'd ever have it in you to pass on any of my secrets. And you didn't, which is good.
Do you still want to be in the Air Force?

I don't think you ever noticed that I liked you, or maybe you did. Maybe you knew all along and decided not to bring it up - so our friendship wouldn't be ruined.

I remember when I started going out with Dwight... I told you one day during Science. You looked rather shocked, and I liked it. But I only thought it was because you thought I couldn't get anyone.

We sort of drifted then, for a little while. Because of our 'no secrets' friendship it was kind of awkward when you asked about my love life. Hah.

I've blocked a lot of things out, so I can't really continue this trip down memory lane. But I just wanted you to know that it was good seeing you the other week, to know that you're happily in love and all.

Though it still hurts, I'm happy for you.

I was only ever the girl who you refused to pay compliments to, and I guess I'll learn to deal with that.

So yeah, there it is.
I liked you all along.
Joyous, yes?


Awkwardddd.

Love,

I can't believe I'm actually going to write this in a myspace blog, but I guess it doesn't really matter. General knowledge can't hurt too much, can it? Why are you reading this, anyway? Because there's a link on my page, right? Maybe you should stop, turn away. Click on 'home' and talk to some nice, happy people. This is a happy thing, what I'm going to discuss this evening, but it makes me awfully sad. There are a wide variety of symptoms, depending on the person, I guess. So here we go...
Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. The word love is both a verb and a noun. Love is not a single feeling but an emotion built from two or more feelings. Anything vital to us creates more than one feeling, and we also have feelings about our feelings (and thoughts about our feelings). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

Yes, fellow myspacers, this blog is about love. So please, turn away now because it doesn't get any better...

I've been talking to an old friend recently, who I haven't spoken to in years. She used to baby sit me in year five and bribe my bullies with money. She's seriously the smartest non-social worker/academic (for now, she's getting her qualifications) I've spoken to since... probably 2006, why did I say that? Its the only year in my existence (well, I mean, I can't remember before 5, but not many people can) that I actually can't recall. All I have to go by is some old journal entrys and specifically large pivitol moments in my year 8 life. Anyway, I'm getting side tracked... So I was talking to her, right. And she asked me about my life, seen as she was so far away and is really behind in all the drama. So I told her about it, in as much detail that my weary mind could muster. After about an hour of non stop talking, she came to one conclusion.

'Wallea...' she said, her tone rising slightly, 'I think this is a tiny bit more serious than you lead on in your emails'
'What?' I sighed, knowing exactly what was to come next.
'Well, do you remember that time... with...' she paused 'can I say it?'
'Yes, I don't mind' I did mind, by the way...
'Well, with Billy. Do you remember when I met him, and we were sitting in that little coffee shop...?' silence.
'Yes'
'Do you remember what I said to you?'
'Yes'
'Do you remember what you said in reply?'
'Yes'
'I no longer believe that its accurate. I'm sorry, but its not'

I sat there for a while, fiddling with the corner of my dress. Pushing Frank away when she came to lick the salty tears from my face.

'You can't beat your self up over this, you didn't plan for it'
'But its me, its my emotions. I can't.'
'Wallea, I know you've heard this countless times before, but Billy' - wince - 'would've wanted it this way'
'I've got to go.'
'Wallea, no.'
'Bye.'

Although the actual words were not spoken, we know each other well enough that we didn't need any. I knew what she was meaning to say, and she knew I knew. I, of course, continue to beat my self up over it.

In the words of Colin Lane I'm in love, I'm in love, and thats no lie. Haha, sorry, I had to brighten the mood up a bit. As corny as it sounds, its true. And I hate it.

I promised my self no other, not after all this time. I was okay with that, I didn't intend to stick around forever, anyway. But of course, the UDS had different plans for me (Universal Delivery System, Karma: The Ancient Science of Cause and Effect - Jeffrey Armstrong: a must read).

When I was first faced with the oncoming dilemma, I looked at it from afar and did a really big 'ZIF! and chuckled to my self. But then as I stood there, and saw it approach (much like when you fall, everything happens in slow motion and you always have time to think oh shit, I'm going to fall, this is so sucky, oh look... theres the ground... its getting closer... closer... closer... fuck. At this point I'm just going to have to quote something else 'Still I can see it coming, while I'm standing in the river drowning, this could be my chance to break out, this could be my chance to say goodbye, at last it's finally over, couldn't take this town much longer, being half dead wasn't what I planned to be, now I'm ready to be free' The Taste of Ink - The Used, first song of theirs I ever heard. You draw the parallels...

So I saw it coming, and put it off. And now its here, and I'm still putting it off. But my emotions have completely overruled my logical thinking, and I'm pretty much the worlds biggest wreck. I don't sleep, I don't eat, I scream until I vomit, I cry until I start to dry retch, I hurt my self beyond pain. Good bye strong I-don't-need-a-man Wallea, hello weak I'm-just-going-to-sit-here-and-scream-for-a-while Alice.

I tried so hard to distract my self, boyfriends upon boyfriends upon random hook ups... But it didn't work, my brain isn't easily fooled. I'm at my best when I'm at school, I'm relatively calm, collected, sane in the sense that I'm not punching walls. I laugh, I reminisce with old friends. I let people bully me, I let them think they know everything about me. Though its just a facade, I manage to pull it off rather well. The only thing I dislike is the lack of care I'm showing towards my friends, is this what I've become? So self centred that I can't even notice when someone's upset? Fuck.

I feel sick at school just before lunch/recess, or just before jumping out of the car/setting foot on school property. Sick with nerves, and excitement. When the bell goes and I walk off to class, I feel sad. And I immediately look to the future, and stay there for the next two periods.

I'm so incredibly happy. Like, you have no idea. Its so confusing... But I am... so happy... and so sad. Its frustrating! I'm the only child who always got what she wanted, and now I want something thats conflicting my interests... and I'm not getting it! So now I feel even worse for pursuing such a thing.

At the end of the day, I'm in love with someone who seems emotionally incapable of loving me back... Prove me wrong by all means. But its impossible.

I'm so far gone now.

Happy.
Warm when cold, curled up late at night listening to academics talk, coffee in hand, trench coat, slight breeze, fairy lights strung up around garden, old music playing off in the background, laughter wafting from the kitchen.
Content.
Will be going home to talk to Fraser soon.
Sitting in dark room lightly tapping upon the keys of the laptop.
Peppermint tea resting next to knee.
Love, pouring out of every pore.

Lessons of trust; 1.

Hello to all two of you who actually look at this, this is a story that I wrote in a SOSE double six months ago… It’s a reflection of the day I learnt that not all people are good. I hope you like it….

The school bell rang loud and clear over the roar of voices, the students ignored it, as they did most mornings, plus they had better things to be doing now. Below the cover of the shade cloths that failed to keep the shouting teenagers dry from the oncoming rain, more and more students ran into the square. Two voices were louder than the onlookers, both were girls and both were not happy. As the screams and shouts of the two voices became almost unbearable and as more and more students piled in to watch with eager eyes, the principal walked lazily down from the front office, not bothering to break into a run, what was he going to do anyway?

Thunderclaps echoed out around the valley, signalling long awaited rain. Birds on mass seemed to fly out of trees, barely visible against the black of the sky. The wind picked up and brought the rain closer and closer.

Below the shade cloth, surrounded by what seemed like the whole school, stood two girls, both alike in stature, but not in character.

One stood cowering in fear of the other, her eyes flitting back and forth from the mass of onlookers. Her normally black silky hair was pulled halfway out of its ponytail; the mascara that once adorned her eyelashes ran freely down her face, making little crevasses in her ivory foundation.

She tugged at her shirt in attempt to hide her shaking hands, all the while backing away from the other, more confident girl. Her eyes subtly looked for a break in the circle, somewhere to escape, but none could be found.

She momentarily lost concentration as her ankle rolled on a large rock; she stumbled, much to the pleasure of the crowd, and landed on her back.

A large cheer went up, no one daring to move from their places. It seemed that, for now, she was loosing.

She scrambled to her feet, trying to swallow back the whimper of fear that built up in her throat. Sweat trickled down her neck, half from the humidity, and half from the pressure. Her clothes and hair stuck to her back, making her feel so much more uncomfortable.

Where were the teachers?

Where were her friends?

Oh that’s right, she had none.

Well, not anymore she didn’t… Standing opposite her was her now ex best friend, Bekka.

“Emily,” her sing song voice drifted across the square.

Bekka moved to the left of the circle, all the while edging closer to her prize.

A large, almost leering smile fanned out across her perfect sun kissed skin, revealing her perfect while marble teeth. Her eyes were set straight ahead, determined on domination.

Her feet lightly skimmed the ground as she danced towards Emily, her deep gold hair flying out behind her.

The crowd started to become impatient, crude jeers came from every corner, they wanted action.

The people standing behind Emily pushed her forwards, she stumbled at first then she straightened herself in an attempt to look confident.

“Don’t be a coward, love, I’m not going to hurt you,” Bekka started, edging closer with every word.

“I just want to sort some things out” she finished, spreading her arms wide.

The crowd remained silent as Emily took a step forward, no longer looking scared.

Bekka smiled more friendly now, moving her hands slightly to beckon Emily closer.

Emily now looked completely at peace with Bekka, as if none of the events of this morning had even happened.

She walked forward until she was within reaching distance of Bekka, flattening her hair down with her hand.

“I’m s-s-sorry Bekka, I’m sorry that I’m such a bad friend” Emily spoke faster than usual, her voice coming out an octave higher.

“I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to forgive you, but I’ll try” Bekka looked almost hurt as she lied.

The crowd booed and hissed at the outcome as the people on the outskirts walked away. The principal nowhere near the square decided to return to his office for coffee before the rain started, by the looks of it the fights over, if there were any casualties he’d hear about it later.

Emily took the final step towards Bekka, wrapping her arms around her in a sign of peace.

Smiling now, Bekka pulled away from Emily and looked her straight in the eye.

“Did you honestly think,” she paused and glanced sideways at the small crowd.

“That I’d let you off the hook,” she smiled wider as Emily’s eyes depicted the horror she was waiting for.

“That easily?” Bekka dragged out her words, chuckling to herself.

“No, please Bekka, don’t, I’m so sorry” Emily began to cry.

Bekka’s grasp on Emily’s arm became stronger, making Emily gasp and wail.

Her weary eyes surveyed the area one last time; Emily’s time had come to learn not to mess with Bekka.

The word spread fast and the jeering crowd came back, running from all directions. Phone’s ready and poised.

Bekka let go of Emily’s arms and in one quick fluid movement upper cut with her left fist, slamming her right into Emily’s eye.

The crowd started to cheer and yell fight louder and louder.

Emily fell to the ground screaming and withering in pain; Bekka flicked her hair out of her face and bent down next to Emily.

“I’m sorry, did I hurt you?” she laughed as she tried to hold Emily’s face in her hands.

The crowd laughed and continued to provoke more fighting.

Emily tried to squirm away from Bekka, refusing to look her in the eye. Her beautiful black hair now covering her face, stuck down with sweat, the redness in her cheeks evident even behind her hair.

“Look at me, Emily” Bekka cooed.

Emily withered and twisted around, still trying to escape Bekka’s grasp.

“Look at me!” Bekka shouted in Emily’s face, sending flecks of spit flying through the air.

Emily gave up her failing attempts to escape and looked Bekka angrily in the eye.

“Oh, Emily, I’m sorry” Bekka grinned at Emily.

“Am I embarrassing you?” Bekka’s eyebrows bent in sympathy.

“Fucking manipulative cunt,” Emily spat through her teeth, sending blood onto Bekka’s face.

Bekka wiped the blood from her face with Emily’s hand and smiled down at her victim before standing up to face the crowd.

“Scissors?” she asked.

“Does anyone have scissors?” her eyes bored into every spectator.

“I-I-I do” came the faint voice of Lucy Wang.

“Thank you, Lucy, you’re such a good friend to me” Bekka smiled down at the small girl stepping out from behind the front line of bodies.

She timidly scurried over to Bekka and pushed the sharp, shiny object into her hand before running off.

Bekka’s eyes quickly surveyed the square once more before returning to Emily, still on the ground.

In one quick movement Bekka had Emily on her stomach, her knee pressed against her shoulder blades.

“Get off me!” Emily screamed, her voice breaking.

“An eye for an eye, Emily” Bekka whispered.

She raised the scissors high in the air, as if to show the crowd what she was about to do.

Grabbing a fistful of Emily’s hair, Bekka violently hacked at it.

Emily’s bone chilling screams were heard throughout the school, alerting the teachers to what was happening.

With each fistful of hair raggedly cut, Emily’s scream became hoarser and was drowned out by the cheers of the crowd, Bekka’s eyes now bright with pleasure.

When she was done, Bekka lifted Emily’s frail body from the ground, throwing the scissors aside.

“Short hair suits you, love” Bekka smiled kindly.

“Fuck off” Emily spat, obviously exhausted.

“Wrong answer” Bekka mocked.

She paused for a few seconds as another thunder clap echoed out.

Bekka grabbed Emily by the back of the head and walked her over to the windowpane that looked in on the auditorium.

“Look at your self, Emily” Bekka pointed at the two figures in the reflection.

“You wont ever be the same, and I want you to remember who did this to you”

And with that, Bekka slammed Emily’s head into the window, once, twice, three times before it broke.

The screaming stopped, leaving the square eerily silent, Emily’s body went limp, Bekka, disgusted by the weakness, threw her to the ground.

All the students in the square stood extremely still, shock written on all of their faces. Bekka fixed up her uniform and danced down the steps, across the square, and into the depths of her group.

No one stopped to help Emily as the rain fell thick and fast. No one talked of it again.

Epilogue

The sun started to sink over the depths of Indigo Truce’s glassy lake of imagination. While the patrons of Indigo Truce sheltered for the evening of psychological torture bombs, two hooded figures walked side by side – by no means afraid of the bombs that were rumoured to be dropped at this time – deep in conversation, and thought.

Log-eti-ety peeked out of her mind’s shelter with a look of extreme interest. In all her 35 years of living and working in Indigo Truce, she had never seen the immortals. And before this moment she had not believed that they were ever more than a fragment of someone’s imagination.

But now, as she looked out of her mind’s shelter at the two hooded figures – using her finely tuned gut instinct and mental sensors – she knew for sure, that they were real.

The rumours she had heard stated clearly that there were only three immortals, and they all were men. Which puzzled her to the point of no return, because out of these two immortals, only one was a man.

The girl smelt fresh, as if she had only just arrived. The kinetic energy flowing throughout her aura was a complete contradiction; Log-eti-ety had never come across such a thing in her many years of study.

Something troubled the girl, not anything to her immediate knowledge – But something that had happened a long time ago, on a planet far, far away. Though she wasn’t acknowledging it now, it was soon to play a huge part in her existence. This worried Log-eti-ety, for she was sure that this was implicated on the whole of her kind.

She tried to reach out to the girl with her mind, to see if she really was an immortal. To find out why she smelt fresh, and why she had never heard of her before.

Alas, as Log-eti-ety reached out with her mind, the darkness of Norr snatched her soul from inside her mind’s shelter, strangling it to death.

The darkness of Norr had noted the girl’s presence, and now there was nothing to stop it from destroying all of humanity.

The darkness, it is spreading. Not long now until it suffocates us all. For the day Norr captures the immortals, is the day everything dies.

one.

Something I wrote when I was trying to grasp the concept of extreme loss at age 13.

Hearts are worn on sleeves
Souls are lost in seconds
They blow away like leaves
The thought of death it beckons

That’s what he used to say
Well, before the day he went away
He tossed and turned that lonesome night
But I was none the wiser
I wish he could just stay and fight
From the world he was my visor
The last time we spoke
The words stuck in the air
The sunlight, it reflected off his glistening hair

He looked over,
Without a hint of glee
Stating ‘its not easy being just like me’
I knew from that moment

I knew from that day
My friend Billy,

My friend Billy,

He was going away
He knew from that glance
He knew by his stance
He more than others
Would have to pay.

His laughter
His smile
It still lingers for a while
Then shattered by the weight reality pressing down
At this I frown
But nothing can stop the seeping of brown

I say with a sigh
As the years pass me by
That Billy was my significant other
But as people query
Over their negative theory
I just sit and listen
The sun on his hair
Glisten, glisten, glisten.
Some say its fair
They agree that its right
Oh how I wish he could stay and fight
But re-telling the story
Has proved to be gorey
So I just stick to the fact
And stay on the track
So maybe one day
I’ll be able to tell
His story quite well
No more stutters
No more tears
I’m sick of still wishing
He we’re still here

He thought he could fly
All he was fed was a lie
As he jumped, as he twisted
He noticed the life that he resisted
He looked back up and saw the sky
He knew for sure he was to die
But not that day, if not another
For he was saved by his significant other
As I ran, as I flew
I noticed the sky, it was so blue
As he twisted, as he turned
His face was drawn, his eyes were shut, and he knew what he had earned
I stood there and watched him fall
I knew from that moment I had to stand tall
I ran and I swerved, I dodged and I ducked
Physically I was fine, emotionally I was fucked
Everything came up all in my head,
As I tucked
As I tucked it away I thought he was dead
But as he fell
And as I ran
I realised something
He couldn’t die
He was already dead
As the sweat trickled down my face
I had to realise my place
I wasn’t here, nor there
Matter of fact, I wasn’t anywhere
This was all a dream
I was quite sure
For he was flying
The lies fed to him were no longer fed by the lying
As he swooped
As he soared
The heavens opened up and roared
He was an angel, sent from above
I was quite sure, he had my love

But then he fell
When he landed he let out a yell
Was I just seeing things?
Or was it all real?
The only thing I knew for sure was what I could feel
The rise of his chest
The fall of his breast
He was there
I was here
Yet he was smiling from ear to ear
He was back
But not for long
He only had time to sing me a song

He sung me to sleep
I couldn’t help but weep
I lay there
He lay near
He became a little voice inside my ear
“I will wait for you, just like that song, endlessly”.
His arms around me
His grasp so tight
Oh how I wish he could stay and fight
Later that morning
Or later that night
The noise I awoke to gave me such a fright
There was stillness about
A different air
It lacked something
Something quite fair
I turned around, yet he was still there
But something was different
No wind in his hair
I realised then that this is the end
Of dying embraced with another.