Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. The word love is both a verb and a noun. Love is not a single feeling but an emotion built from two or more feelings. Anything vital to us creates more than one feeling, and we also have feelings about our feelings (and thoughts about our feelings). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.
Yes, fellow myspacers, this blog is about love. So please, turn away now because it doesn't get any better...
I've been talking to an old friend recently, who I haven't spoken to in years. She used to baby sit me in year five and bribe my bullies with money. She's seriously the smartest non-social worker/academic (for now, she's getting her qualifications) I've spoken to since... probably 2006, why did I say that? Its the only year in my existence (well, I mean, I can't remember before 5, but not many people can) that I actually can't recall. All I have to go by is some old journal entrys and specifically large pivitol moments in my year 8 life. Anyway, I'm getting side tracked... So I was talking to her, right. And she asked me about my life, seen as she was so far away and is really behind in all the drama. So I told her about it, in as much detail that my weary mind could muster. After about an hour of non stop talking, she came to one conclusion.
'Wallea...' she said, her tone rising slightly, 'I think this is a tiny bit more serious than you lead on in your emails'
'What?' I sighed, knowing exactly what was to come next.
'Well, do you remember that time... with...' she paused 'can I say it?'
'Yes, I don't mind' I did mind, by the way...
'Well, with Billy. Do you remember when I met him, and we were sitting in that little coffee shop...?' silence.
'Yes'
'Do you remember what I said to you?'
'Yes'
'Do you remember what you said in reply?'
'Yes'
'I no longer believe that its accurate. I'm sorry, but its not'
I sat there for a while, fiddling with the corner of my dress. Pushing Frank away when she came to lick the salty tears from my face.
'You can't beat your self up over this, you didn't plan for it'
'But its me, its my emotions. I can't.'
'Wallea, I know you've heard this countless times before, but Billy' - wince - 'would've wanted it this way'
'I've got to go.'
'Wallea, no.'
'Bye.'
Although the actual words were not spoken, we know each other well enough that we didn't need any. I knew what she was meaning to say, and she knew I knew. I, of course, continue to beat my self up over it.
In the words of Colin Lane I'm in love, I'm in love, and thats no lie. Haha, sorry, I had to brighten the mood up a bit. As corny as it sounds, its true. And I hate it.
I promised my self no other, not after all this time. I was okay with that, I didn't intend to stick around forever, anyway. But of course, the UDS had different plans for me (Universal Delivery System, Karma: The Ancient Science of Cause and Effect - Jeffrey Armstrong: a must read).
When I was first faced with the oncoming dilemma, I looked at it from afar and did a really big 'ZIF! and chuckled to my self. But then as I stood there, and saw it approach (much like when you fall, everything happens in slow motion and you always have time to think oh shit, I'm going to fall, this is so sucky, oh look... theres the ground... its getting closer... closer... closer... fuck. At this point I'm just going to have to quote something else 'Still I can see it coming, while I'm standing in the river drowning, this could be my chance to break out, this could be my chance to say goodbye, at last it's finally over, couldn't take this town much longer, being half dead wasn't what I planned to be, now I'm ready to be free' The Taste of Ink - The Used, first song of theirs I ever heard. You draw the parallels...
So I saw it coming, and put it off. And now its here, and I'm still putting it off. But my emotions have completely overruled my logical thinking, and I'm pretty much the worlds biggest wreck. I don't sleep, I don't eat, I scream until I vomit, I cry until I start to dry retch, I hurt my self beyond pain. Good bye strong I-don't-need-a-man Wallea, hello weak I'm-just-going-to-sit-here-and-scream-for-a-while Alice.
I tried so hard to distract my self, boyfriends upon boyfriends upon random hook ups... But it didn't work, my brain isn't easily fooled. I'm at my best when I'm at school, I'm relatively calm, collected, sane in the sense that I'm not punching walls. I laugh, I reminisce with old friends. I let people bully me, I let them think they know everything about me. Though its just a facade, I manage to pull it off rather well. The only thing I dislike is the lack of care I'm showing towards my friends, is this what I've become? So self centred that I can't even notice when someone's upset? Fuck.
I feel sick at school just before lunch/recess, or just before jumping out of the car/setting foot on school property. Sick with nerves, and excitement. When the bell goes and I walk off to class, I feel sad. And I immediately look to the future, and stay there for the next two periods.
I'm so incredibly happy. Like, you have no idea. Its so confusing... But I am... so happy... and so sad. Its frustrating! I'm the only child who always got what she wanted, and now I want something thats conflicting my interests... and I'm not getting it! So now I feel even worse for pursuing such a thing.
At the end of the day, I'm in love with someone who seems emotionally incapable of loving me back... Prove me wrong by all means. But its impossible.
I'm so far gone now.
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