I wont.

Let go.
No.



The only thing you ever asked of me, is that I smiled.
We'd be sitting at the kitchen table, you with your arms crossed resting on the table, exchanging awkward conversation. I'd avoid eye contact and stare at the colossal painting near your head and hope not to offend you.
It was a tough spot in my life, we both knew that. I came dressed head to toe in black, slouched over in the chair, occasionally smiling at Indigo as she shyly went about business - carrying around her little dolls and sitting on the couch next to mummy.
I'd feel your eyes fix on to the side of my face, that gradually turned red from holding in nervous laughter. You'd start to laugh and say
"N'aww Wallea, smile!"
That's all you'd ever ask, that I'd smile, and be happy.

I didn't go to your wedding, December 2nd, was it?
I'm so sorry I didn't come.
I was hurt that I didn't get a proper invite, it was Janice's name next to dads... not mine. But I know you wouldn't have done it on purpose, I just didn't want her to take over that aspect of my life, too. I was friends with you first, why does she get an invite?
I'll never forgive myself for that.
We hit a bird that day, right in the middle of me talking about you.
I should've seen it coming.


I remember the last day I saw you.
You had changed so much.
I didn't want to hug you good bye, because I was afraid it'd be too final then.

I wish I did hug you.
I wish I could tell you thank you, for everything.
Thank you for almost getting me in to meet Frank Woodley, thank you for getting me his signature. Thank you for being the only person there when I represented my primary school playing the recorder. Thank you for standing by and being a great friend to my father. Thank you for being so accepting of me, of who I am. Thank you for believing in me, even if I refused to smile some times. Thank you for being you, for bringing your two amazing children into the world, for loving Kirsty. Thank you for making me smile all those times, for I am sure I have lost them since.

They told me you were better, they told me it was gone.
Then they said two weeks, a few weeks before my birthday.
They said you'd still be there.
I delayed my plane trip back, in the belief you'd still be around for school holidays.

But you weren't.
And I never got to see you again.

Memories,

I remember the first time we spoke:

It was one of the first days back in year nine, we were in our awesome summer uniforms - though I don't see how yours differed from the winter. It was geography, with that annoying South African teacher who always said my name in a really wrong way.
She had moved you next to me because I was a loner, and you needed straightening out. So, of course, I would influence you to be like me... A loner who didn't say much. Hah.
I remembered you from the previous year, when we both went to Bunbury High. You weren't mean to me back then, so I guessed I could tolerate you in my space.
You were talking about how many hot girls there were at Bunbury High, and how Lutheran seriously lacked them. All the while my small pile of self confidence was becoming smaller and smaller... One of the first things you ever said to me was 'Maybe if you grew your hair out, you'd have a better chance at getting a boyfriend' you'd pause and look around 'one that's not Fraser Lawrie'.
So that's my first memory of you, a rather painful one, if I recall correctly.

I couldn't help it, though. Talking to you that is. You always made me smile, and though you sometimes hurt my feelings, I knew it wasn't on purpose.
Even when it was really uncool to be associated with me, you'd always start of the day (and every lesson) with a huge 'WALLLEAAAAAAAA' a long hug would normally follow.
We talked about everything, I really didn't think you'd ever have it in you to pass on any of my secrets. And you didn't, which is good.
Do you still want to be in the Air Force?

I don't think you ever noticed that I liked you, or maybe you did. Maybe you knew all along and decided not to bring it up - so our friendship wouldn't be ruined.

I remember when I started going out with Dwight... I told you one day during Science. You looked rather shocked, and I liked it. But I only thought it was because you thought I couldn't get anyone.

We sort of drifted then, for a little while. Because of our 'no secrets' friendship it was kind of awkward when you asked about my love life. Hah.

I've blocked a lot of things out, so I can't really continue this trip down memory lane. But I just wanted you to know that it was good seeing you the other week, to know that you're happily in love and all.

Though it still hurts, I'm happy for you.

I was only ever the girl who you refused to pay compliments to, and I guess I'll learn to deal with that.

So yeah, there it is.
I liked you all along.
Joyous, yes?


Awkwardddd.

Love,

I can't believe I'm actually going to write this in a myspace blog, but I guess it doesn't really matter. General knowledge can't hurt too much, can it? Why are you reading this, anyway? Because there's a link on my page, right? Maybe you should stop, turn away. Click on 'home' and talk to some nice, happy people. This is a happy thing, what I'm going to discuss this evening, but it makes me awfully sad. There are a wide variety of symptoms, depending on the person, I guess. So here we go...
Love is any of a number of emotions and experiences related to a sense of strong affection and attachment. The word love can refer to a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes, ranging from generic pleasure to intense interpersonal attraction. The word love is both a verb and a noun. Love is not a single feeling but an emotion built from two or more feelings. Anything vital to us creates more than one feeling, and we also have feelings about our feelings (and thoughts about our feelings). This diversity of uses and meanings, combined with the complexity of the feelings involved, makes love unusually difficult to consistently define, even compared to other emotional states.

Yes, fellow myspacers, this blog is about love. So please, turn away now because it doesn't get any better...

I've been talking to an old friend recently, who I haven't spoken to in years. She used to baby sit me in year five and bribe my bullies with money. She's seriously the smartest non-social worker/academic (for now, she's getting her qualifications) I've spoken to since... probably 2006, why did I say that? Its the only year in my existence (well, I mean, I can't remember before 5, but not many people can) that I actually can't recall. All I have to go by is some old journal entrys and specifically large pivitol moments in my year 8 life. Anyway, I'm getting side tracked... So I was talking to her, right. And she asked me about my life, seen as she was so far away and is really behind in all the drama. So I told her about it, in as much detail that my weary mind could muster. After about an hour of non stop talking, she came to one conclusion.

'Wallea...' she said, her tone rising slightly, 'I think this is a tiny bit more serious than you lead on in your emails'
'What?' I sighed, knowing exactly what was to come next.
'Well, do you remember that time... with...' she paused 'can I say it?'
'Yes, I don't mind' I did mind, by the way...
'Well, with Billy. Do you remember when I met him, and we were sitting in that little coffee shop...?' silence.
'Yes'
'Do you remember what I said to you?'
'Yes'
'Do you remember what you said in reply?'
'Yes'
'I no longer believe that its accurate. I'm sorry, but its not'

I sat there for a while, fiddling with the corner of my dress. Pushing Frank away when she came to lick the salty tears from my face.

'You can't beat your self up over this, you didn't plan for it'
'But its me, its my emotions. I can't.'
'Wallea, I know you've heard this countless times before, but Billy' - wince - 'would've wanted it this way'
'I've got to go.'
'Wallea, no.'
'Bye.'

Although the actual words were not spoken, we know each other well enough that we didn't need any. I knew what she was meaning to say, and she knew I knew. I, of course, continue to beat my self up over it.

In the words of Colin Lane I'm in love, I'm in love, and thats no lie. Haha, sorry, I had to brighten the mood up a bit. As corny as it sounds, its true. And I hate it.

I promised my self no other, not after all this time. I was okay with that, I didn't intend to stick around forever, anyway. But of course, the UDS had different plans for me (Universal Delivery System, Karma: The Ancient Science of Cause and Effect - Jeffrey Armstrong: a must read).

When I was first faced with the oncoming dilemma, I looked at it from afar and did a really big 'ZIF! and chuckled to my self. But then as I stood there, and saw it approach (much like when you fall, everything happens in slow motion and you always have time to think oh shit, I'm going to fall, this is so sucky, oh look... theres the ground... its getting closer... closer... closer... fuck. At this point I'm just going to have to quote something else 'Still I can see it coming, while I'm standing in the river drowning, this could be my chance to break out, this could be my chance to say goodbye, at last it's finally over, couldn't take this town much longer, being half dead wasn't what I planned to be, now I'm ready to be free' The Taste of Ink - The Used, first song of theirs I ever heard. You draw the parallels...

So I saw it coming, and put it off. And now its here, and I'm still putting it off. But my emotions have completely overruled my logical thinking, and I'm pretty much the worlds biggest wreck. I don't sleep, I don't eat, I scream until I vomit, I cry until I start to dry retch, I hurt my self beyond pain. Good bye strong I-don't-need-a-man Wallea, hello weak I'm-just-going-to-sit-here-and-scream-for-a-while Alice.

I tried so hard to distract my self, boyfriends upon boyfriends upon random hook ups... But it didn't work, my brain isn't easily fooled. I'm at my best when I'm at school, I'm relatively calm, collected, sane in the sense that I'm not punching walls. I laugh, I reminisce with old friends. I let people bully me, I let them think they know everything about me. Though its just a facade, I manage to pull it off rather well. The only thing I dislike is the lack of care I'm showing towards my friends, is this what I've become? So self centred that I can't even notice when someone's upset? Fuck.

I feel sick at school just before lunch/recess, or just before jumping out of the car/setting foot on school property. Sick with nerves, and excitement. When the bell goes and I walk off to class, I feel sad. And I immediately look to the future, and stay there for the next two periods.

I'm so incredibly happy. Like, you have no idea. Its so confusing... But I am... so happy... and so sad. Its frustrating! I'm the only child who always got what she wanted, and now I want something thats conflicting my interests... and I'm not getting it! So now I feel even worse for pursuing such a thing.

At the end of the day, I'm in love with someone who seems emotionally incapable of loving me back... Prove me wrong by all means. But its impossible.

I'm so far gone now.

Happy.
Warm when cold, curled up late at night listening to academics talk, coffee in hand, trench coat, slight breeze, fairy lights strung up around garden, old music playing off in the background, laughter wafting from the kitchen.
Content.
Will be going home to talk to Fraser soon.
Sitting in dark room lightly tapping upon the keys of the laptop.
Peppermint tea resting next to knee.
Love, pouring out of every pore.